Netizens of The Word

RANT: Norton Anti-Virus what is wrong with you?

Posted by darbs on August 1, 2009

Norton Help and Support Button

Norton Help and Support Button

The other day after almost a year of peaceful computing experience with my brand new out of the box HP computer running Windows Vista, I finally clicked the Help and Support button of my Norton Anti-Virus.

Transcript of the chat support: We will call these characters, NORTON TECHIE EXPERTS, Gandhi1 and Ghandhi2 then the caller’s name, Darbs.

Status Symbol: Secured daw!

Status Symbol: Secured daw!

Once the Norton Help and Support was clicked, the chat  application came up. First question was; What is the issue?

I typed.

Issue: b.exe, and f.exe are pests, norton didn’t catch them?

What I am trying to say is;

“Why on earth NORTON ANTIVIRUS did not catch the f.exe and b.exe files running freely inside my computer?

How could I get rid of these processes?

For now I just ended these pests with “End Process” everytime they appear in a particular non-admin local computer account.

Reply: Looking into this problem

<Gandhi1(Thu Jul 30 00:11:03 EDT 2009)>Can I put you on hold for 2 or 3 minutes while I look into this for you?

Note: Before I asked for help and support, I already Googled  b.exe and f.exe as we always do before we asked stupid questions in forums and bulletin boards.

<Ghandi 1(Thu Jul 30 00:14:09 EDT 2009)>From looking at your computer it appears that your computer may be infected by a virus. To help you with removing this virus off your computer what I can do for you is to transfer you across to our fee-based virus removal specialist team. Would this be ok with you?

<Ghandi 1(Thu Jul 30 00:14:56 EDT 2009)>Shall I go ahead and transfer you to the virus removal team for further details ?

Fee based? Interesting…



Note: In 143 days my Norton AntiVirus subscription will end.

What should I do? Should I allow to be transfered to the Fee based Norton Specialist?

How much is the fee?

I agreed.

What else could I do? So I was transferred to Gandhi2, the Virus Removal Expert of all the experts and specialists of all specialists.

The chat continued now with Ghandhi 2…

The Gandhi2, the Norton expert antivirus removal specialist gave me a lecture on how I got infected.

Here we go again.

Same old recycled information but hey, we need to be reminded too, you know.

I have no problem with that. I consider it to be like those people who go to church regularly to be reminded of God, religion, tradition, sacraments, good, evil, and whatever there is to hear.

<Gandhi2 (Thu Jul 30 00:19:22 EDT 2009)>Darbs, thousands of new viruses, trojans, and worms are created every day. Here are some of the most common ways this can happen: Clicking on an intriguing pop-up ad which contains a trojan. Opening a malicious email attachment, downloading a virus from a file-sharing program such as LimeWire. Your Norton software was not updated with the latest virus definitions, your system was infected with malware before Norton was installed.

Well, I need to listen to the experts especially the EXPERTS OF NORTON ANTI-VIRUS THE INDIAN CONNECTION!

I could even listen the lecture from my son on how to avoid viruses much more with the NORTON ANTI-VIRUS EXPERT!


The screenshot of the b.exe and f.exe pests running freely

But wait a second!


<Gandhi 2 (Thu Jul 30 00:19:22 EDT 2009)>Your Norton software was not updated with the latest virus definitions, your system was infected with malware before Norton was installed.

YOU CALL YOURSELF AN EXPERT? You gudda be kidding me!




Was he there WITH ME when I  PURCHASED my OUT OF THE BOX COMPUTER that already came with Norton Anti-Virus?


Let me think rationally.

Did he not know that I also renewed my NORTON SUBSCRIPTION a week/DAYS before THE EXPIRATION DATE?

Here is the Typical Expiration Notice: Your current product subscription expires on 22-Dec-2008. Norton AntiVirus Special Edition Subscription. Renew for the latest virus and spyware protection for your PC


Was he there reading the most ANNOYING pop up before the expiration date that terrorized me saying;

“hey if you will not pay before your Norton will expire, VIRUSES WILL COME AND DESTROY YOUR LIFE and the lives of your love ones!”

Here is the Norton AntiVirus 2008 TechCenter Edition that comes with my NEW FRIGGING COMPUTER!

Norton AntiVirus 2008 TechCenterEdition that I bought with my out of the box HP Computer

Norton AntiVirus 2008 TechCenterEdition that I bought with my out of the box HP Computer.

FYI: Mr. Norton Anti-Virus Techie! I bought this computer OUT FROM THE BOX and it came with Norton Anti-Virus 2008 Tech Center Edition and you are telling me that  I was already infected before Norton was installed?

Are you gone mad?

Here is the most outrageous proposal from Ghandi2.

<Ghandi2(Thu Jul 30 00:34:03 EDT 2009)>Our expert Technicians would provide you the best solutions possible based on their analysis of the threats on your computer. They would also provide you with information to avoid from getting infected in the future. They would advise you based on the specific configuration/settings of your computer and also answer your related concerns and queries. Our consultation, full system diagnosis and virus removal process fee would be US $99.99. We guarantee to identify any threats that may be on your system. Once we have found them, we will remove them. In addition we guarantee our work for a period of 7 days from the day / time the issue is resolved by our technician.

<Ghandi2(Thu Jul 30 00:34:22 EDT 2009)>Shall we go ahead to fix it now ?

The response

<Darbs(Thu Jul 30 00:34:27 EDT 2009)> Pak NORTON! and Pak YOU!

End of conversation… Darbs ~ DISCONNECTED… ~

Bye bye you damn ass!



3 Responses to “RANT: Norton Anti-Virus what is wrong with you?”

  1. OnSeeker said

    Wow! This is a great post man! And very, very funny! I liked it a lot! I used Norton too but now I migrated because of the problems it had! Some of them you recognized very well here 🙂

    Now I’m using BitDefender and it really has an excellent detection rate on known and unknown viruses!

    • darbs said

      Thank you but the words I used are not acceptable here at my end. “This website” and all the WORDPRESS WEBSITES are BANNED BY THE COMPANY’S POLICY- -Of a certain service company. WEBSENSE ANG PROGRAMANG GAMIT NILA.

      Darn you adsense?Websense
      or Darn you somebody out there who could let blogspot websites get in to that tunnel but not WORDPRESS?

      YOu tube could get in BUT NOT WORDPRESS?


      no idea why.

      may i “harbut” your youtube video? very interesting. thanks for visiting.

      @seeker, have you heard baroque/barok english?

      MATRIX EH?

      Talk to you soon bro!

      Ah! way too cool! hehehe!


  2. satechheads said

    That’s awesome.

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